Personal Share 4-17

Hi everyone and happy Spring! I can't believe it's already been 3 months since I last reached out.

But it's been gnawing at me to write. That's kind of how it works with me. I know what's good for me, what brings me joy, what grounds me and yet when things get tough, I avoid doing those very things. I'm not quite sure what that's about. Maybe wanting to avoid the hard feelings that come up when I get still and write. Staying busy is one of my old patterns for protecting myself.

So when I do finally stop and get still, or go to yoga or meditate, I typically cry my eyes out for days. Lately, I've been trying to avoid the intense feelings that are coming with the reality of having a husband with Parkinson's disease. How the disease progresses ever so slightly with no notice. How my mind races with what the future holds for both of us. How angry I am. We are now at the stage of considering Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) surgery, which is similar to a pacemaker for the brain. Scary stuff.

And yet, I can't quite bring myself to write about these feelings. They're still raw and painful and bring me to tears. I haven't fully accepted that this is now my life. But for now I'm just practicing keepin it real. The other day I went to yoga and someone at the front desk asked how I was and I replied with the typical "doing well, how about you?" But as soon as I hit the yoga mat, the tears came and I realized I had not been honest or truthful to her question. So after class, on my way out I told her so. What I should have said instead was "I've been really sad and it took everything in me to get here today". Which of course started the tears again. But from that I received 3 huge hugs from people who love me, who heard me and who saw me that day. Just as I was. And sometimes that's all we need.

My most recent post is called CONNECTION, https://rebeccasheart.com/connection and speaks to how we're losing real human connection, a proven factor to living a long, happy life. Having community, sharing with community, supporting each other. I've certainly come to understand how vital this is for me.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and find moments of real human connection to feed your soul.

With all my heart,

Rebecca

Personal Share 4-17